I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
