i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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