I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You are a booty call, not a friend.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
