her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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