he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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