I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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