cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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