thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm always down for nudity.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
