i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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