booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
