Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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