the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
