hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
