What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
