I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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