i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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