youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have tasted many bathrooms
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
