I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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