They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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