Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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