Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
