Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
