my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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