she woke up with a sticky ear
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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