take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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