I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
