singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
