Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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