i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
