The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
