Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
