My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the day after is always just damage control
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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