i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
