This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
