I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
