fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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