So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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