You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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