i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Oh god it's open bar.
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