she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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