Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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