apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
