Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
