it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
