Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
