I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
