I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
