Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
