I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
