I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
