i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
